64
FANTASY & SCIENCE FICTION
Ken Liu contributed “The Literomancer” to our Sep/Oct 2010 issue. He returns
with a fantasy that’s a bit gentler than his previous F&SF story
By Ken Liu
The Paper Menagerie
O NE OF MY EARLIEST MEMORIES
starts with me sobbing. I refused to be
soothed no matter what Mom and Dad
tried.
Dad gave up and left the bedroom, but Mom took me into the kitchen
and sat me down at the breakfast table.
“Kan, kan,” she said, as she pulled a sheet of wrapping paper from on
top of the fridge. For years, Mom carefully sliced open the wrappings
around Christmas gifts and saved them on top of the fridge in a thick stack.
She set the paper down, plain side facing up, and began to fold it. I
stopped crying and watched her, curious.
She turned the paper over and folded it again. She pleated, packed,
tucked, rolled, and twisted until the paper disappeared between her
cupped hands. Then she lifted the folded-up paper packet to her mouth and
blew into it, like a balloon.
“Kan,” she said. “Laohu.” She put her hands down on the table and
let go.
A little paper tiger stood on the table, the size of two fists placed
THE PAPER MENAGERIE
65
together. The skin of the tiger was the pattern on the wrapping paper,
white background with red candy canes and green Christmas trees.
I reached out to Mom’s creation. Its tail twitched, and it pounced
playfully at my finger. “Rawrr-sa,” it growled, the sound somewhere
between a cat and rustling newspapers.
I laughed, startled, and stroked its back with an index finger. The
paper tiger vibrated under my finger, purring.
“Zhe jiao zhèzhi,” Mom said. This is called origami.
I didn’t know this at the time, but Mom’s kind was special. She
breathed into them so that they shared her breath, and thus moved with
her life. This was her magic.
Dad had picked Mom out of a catalog.
One time, when I was in high school, I asked Dad about the details.
He was trying to get me to speak to Mom again.
He had signed up for the introduction service back in the spring of
1973. Flipping through the pages steadily, he had spent no more than a few
seconds on each page until he saw the picture of Mom.
I’ve never seen this picture. Dad described it: Mom was sitting in a
chair, her side to the camera, wearing a tight green silk cheongsam. Her
head was turned to the camera so that her long black hair was draped
artfully over her chest and shoulder. She looked out at him with the eyes
of a calm child.
“That was the last page of the catalog I saw,” he said.
The catalog said she was eighteen, loved to dance, and spoke good
English because she was from Hong Kong. None of these facts turned out
to be true.
He wrote to her, and the company passed their messages back and
forth. Finally, he flew to Hong Kong to meet her.
“The people at the company had been writing her responses. She
didn’t know any English other than ‘hello’ and ‘good-bye.’”
What kind of woman puts herself into a catalog so that she can be
bought? The high school me thought I knew so much about everything.
Contempt felt good, like wine.
Instead of storming into the office to demand his money back, he paid
a waitress at the hotel restaurant to translate for them.
66
FANTASY & SCIENCE FICTION
“She would look at me, her eyes halfway between scared and hopeful,
while I spoke. And when the girl began translating what I said, she’d start
to smile slowly.”
He flew back to Connecticut and began to apply for the papers for her
to come to him. I was born a year later, in the Year of the Tiger.
At my request, Mom also made a goat, a deer, and a water buffalo out
of wrapping paper. They would run around the living room while Laohu
chased after them, growling. When he caught them he would press down
until the air went out of them and they became just flat, folded-up pieces
of paper. I would then have to blow into them to re-inflate them so they
could run around some more.
Sometimes, the animals got into trouble. Once, the water buffalo
jumped into a dish of soy sauce on the table at dinner. (He wanted to
wallow, like a real water buffalo.) I picked him out quickly but the
capillary action had already pulled the dark liquid high up into his legs.
The sauce-softened legs would not hold him up, and he collapsed onto the
table. I dried him out in the sun, but his legs became crooked after that,
and he ran around with a limp. Mom eventually wrapped his legs in saran
wrap so that he could wallow to his heart’s content (just not in soy sauce).
Also, Laohu liked to pounce at sparrows when he and I played in the
backyard. But one time, a cornered bird struck back in desperation and
tore his ear. He whimpered and winced as I held him and Mom patched his
ear together with tape. He avoided birds after that.
And then one day, I saw a TV documentary about sharks and asked
Mom for one of my own. She made the shark, but he flapped about on the
table unhappily. I filled the sink with water, and put him in. He swam
around and around happily. However, after a while he became soggy and
translucent, and slowly sank to the bottom, the folds coming undone. I
reached in to rescue him, and all I ended up with was a wet piece of paper.
Laohu put his front paws together at the edge of the sink and rested
his head on them. Ears drooping, he made a low growl in his throat that
made me feel guilty.
Mom made a new shark for me, this time out of tinfoil. The shark
lived happily in a large goldfish bowl. Laohu and I liked to sit next to the
bowl to watch the tinfoil shark chasing the goldfish, Laohu sticking his
THE PAPER MENAGERIE
67
face up against the bowl on the other side so that I saw his eyes, magnified
to the size of coffee cups, staring at me from across the bowl.
When I was ten, we moved to a new house across town. Two of the
women neighbors came by to welcome us. Dad served them drinks and
then apologized for having to run off to the utility company to straighten
out the prior owner’s bills. “Make yourselves at home. My wife doesn’t
speak much English, so don’t think she’s being rude for not talking to
you.”
While I read in the dining room, Mom unpacked in the kitchen. The
neighbors conversed in the living room, not trying to be particularly quiet.
“He seems like a normal enough man. Why did he do that?”
“Something about the mixing never seems right. The child looks
unfinished. Slanty eyes, white face. A little monster.”
“Do you think he can speak English?”
The women hushed. After a while they came into the dining room.
“Hello there! What’s your name?”
“Jack,” I said.
“That doesn’t sound very Chinesey.”
Mom came into the dining room then. She smiled at the women. The
three of them stood in a triangle around me, smiling and nodding at each
other, with nothing to say, until Dad came back.
ARK, ONE OF THE neighborhood boys, came
over with his Star Wars action figures. Obi-Wan Kenobi’s
lightsaber lit up and he could swing his arms and say, in
a tinny voice, “Use the Force!” I didn’t think the figure
looked much like the real Obi-Wan at all.
Together, we watched him repeat this performance five times on the
coffee table. “Can he do anything else?” I asked.
Mark was annoyed by my question. “Look at all the details,” he said.
I looked at the details. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say.
Mark was disappointed by my response. “Show me your toys.”
I didn’t have any toys except my paper menagerie. I brought Laohu out
from my bedroom. By then he was very worn, patched all over with tape
and glue, evidence of the years of repairs Mom and I had done on him. He
M
68
FANTASY & SCIENCE FICTION
was no longer as nimble and sure-footed as before. I sat him down on the
coffee table. I could hear the skittering steps of the other animals behind
in the hallway, timidly peeking into the living room.
“Xiao laohu,” I said, and stopped. I switched to English. “This is
Tiger.” Cautiously, Laohu strode up and purred at Mark, sniffing his
hands.
Mark examined the Christmas-wrap pattern of Laohu’s skin. “That
doesn’t look like a tiger at all. Your Mom makes toys for you from trash?”
I had never thought of Laohu as trash. But looking at him now, he was
really just a piece of wrapping paper.
Mark pushed Obi-Wan’s head again. The lightsaber flashed; he moved
his arms up and down. “Use the Force!”
Laohu turned and pounced, knocking the plastic figure off the table.
It hit the floor and broke, and Obi-Wan’s head rolled under the couch.
“Rawwww,” Laohu laughed. I joined him.
Mark punched me, hard. “This was very expensive! You can’t even
find it in the stores now. It probably cost more than what your Dad paid
for your Mom!”
I stumbled and fell to the floor. Laohu growled and leapt at Mark’s
face.
Mark screamed, more out of fear and surprise than pain. Laohu was
only made of paper, after all.
Mark grabbed Laohu and his snarl was choked off as Mark crumpled
him in his hand and tore him in half. He balled up the two pieces of paper
and threw them at me. “Here’s your stupid cheap Chinese garbage.”
After Mark left, I spent a long time trying, without success, to tape
together the pieces, smooth out the paper, and follow the creases to refold
Laohu. Slowly, the other animals came into the living room and gathered
around us, me and the torn wrapping paper that used to be Laohu.
My fight with Mark didn’t end there. Mark was popular at school. I
never want to think again about the two weeks that followed.
I came home that Friday at the end of the two weeks. “Xuexiao hao
ma?” Mom asked. I said nothing and went to the bathroom. I looked into
the mirror. I look nothing like her, nothing.
At dinner I asked Dad, “Do I have a chink face?”
THE PAPER MENAGERIE
69
Dad put down his chopsticks. Even though I had never told him what
happened in school, he seemed to understand. He closed his eyes and
rubbed the bridge of his nose. “No, you don’t.”
Mom looked at Dad, not understanding. She looked back at me. “Sha
jiao chink?”
“English,” I said. “Speak English.”
She tried. “What happen?”
I pushed the chopsticks and the bowl before me away: stir-fried green
peppers with five-spice beef. “We should eat American food.”
Dad tried to reason. “A lot of families cook Chinese sometimes.”
“We are not other families.” I looked at him. Other families don’t
have Moms who don’t belong.
He looked away. And then he put a hand on Mom’s shoulder. “I’ll get
you a cookbook.”
Mom turned to me. “Bu haochi?”
“English,” I said, raising my voice. “Speak English.”
Mom reached out to touch my forehead, feeling for my temperature.
“Fashao la?”
I brushed her hand away. “I’m fine. Speak English!” I was shouting.
“Speak English to him,” Dad said to Mom. “You knew this was going
to happen someday. What did you expect?”
Mom dropped her hands to her sides. She sat, looking from Dad to me,
and back to Dad again. She tried to speak, stopped, and tried again, and
stopped again.
“You have to,” Dad said. “I’ve been too easy on you. Jack needs to fit
in.”
Mom looked at him. “If I say ‘love,’ I feel here.” She pointed to her lips.
“If I say ‘ai,’ I feel here.” She put her hand over her heart.
Dad shook his head. “You are in America.”
Mom hunched down in her seat, looking like the water buffalo when
Laohu used to pounce on him and squeeze the air of life out of him.
“And I want some real toys.”
Dad bought me a full set of Star Wars action figures. I gave the Obi-
Wan Kenobi to Mark.
I packed the paper menagerie in a large shoebox and put it under the bed.
70
FANTASY & SCIENCE FICTION
The next morning, the animals had escaped and taken over their old
favorite spots in my room. I caught them all and put them back into the
shoebox, taping the lid shut. But the animals made so much noise in the
box that I finally shoved it into the corner of the attic as far away from my
room as possible.
If Mom spoke to me in Chinese, I refused to answer her. After a while,
she tried to use more English. But her accent and broken sentences
embarrassed me. I tried to correct her. Eventually, she stopped speaking
altogether if I was around.
Mom began to mime things if she needed to let me know something.
She tried to hug me the way she saw American mothers do on TV. I
thought her movements exaggerated, uncertain, ridiculous, graceless. She
saw that I was annoyed, and stopped.
“You shouldn’t treat your mother that way,” Dad said. But he
couldn’t look me in the eyes as he said it. Deep in his heart, he must have
realized that it was a mistake to have tried to take a Chinese peasant girl
and expect her to fit in the suburbs of Connecticut.
Mom learned to cook American style. I played video games and
studied French.
Every once in a while, I would see her at the kitchen table studying
the plain side of a sheet of wrapping paper. Later a new paper animal would
appear on my nightstand and try to cuddle up to me. I caught them,
squeezed them until the air went out of them, and then stuffed them away
in the box in the attic.
Mom finally stopped making the animals when I was in high school.
By then her English was much better, but I was already at that age when
I wasn’t interested in what she had to say whatever language she used.
Sometimes, when I came home and saw her tiny body busily moving
about in the kitchen, singing a song in Chinese to herself, it was hard for
me to believe that she gave birth to me. We had nothing in common. She
might as well be from the Moon. I would hurry on to my room, where I
could continue my all-American pursuit of happiness.
Dad and I stood, one on each side of Mom, lying on the hospital bed.
She was not yet even forty, but she looked much older.
For years she had refused to go to the doctor for the pain inside her that
THE PAPER MENAGERIE
71
she said was no big deal. By the time an ambulance finally carried her in,
the cancer had spread far beyond the limits of surgery.
My mind was not in the room. It was the middle of the on-campus
recruiting season, and I was focused on resumes, transcripts, and strate-
gically constructed interview schedules. I schemed about how to lie to the
corporate recruiters most effectively so that they’d offer to buy me. I
understood intellectually that it was terrible to think about this while
your mother lay dying. But that understanding didn’t mean I could change
how I felt.
She was conscious. Dad held her left hand with both of his own. He
leaned down to kiss her forehead. He seemed weak and old in a way that
startled me. I realized that I knew almost as little about Dad as I did about
Mom.
Mom smiled at him. “I’m fine.”
She turned to me, still smiling. “I know you have to go back to
school.” Her voice was very weak and it was difficult to hear her over the
hum of the machines hooked up to her. “Go. Don’t worry about me. This
is not a big deal. Just do well in school.”
I reached out to touch her hand, because I thought that was what I was
supposed to do. I was relieved. I was already thinking about the flight back,
and the bright California sunshine.
She whispered something to Dad. He nodded and left the room.
“Jack, if — ” she was caught up in a fit of coughing, and could not
speak for some time. “If I…don’t make it, don’t be too sad and hurt your
health. Focus on your life. Just keep that box you have in the attic with
you, and every year, at Qingming, just take it out and think about me. I’ll
be with you always.”
Qingming was the Chinese Festival for the Dead. When I was very
young, Mom used to write a letter on Qingming to her dead parents back
in China, telling them the good news about the past year of her life in
America. She would read the letter out loud to me, and if I made a
comment about something, she would write it down in the letter too.
Then she would fold the letter into a paper crane, and release it, facing
west. We would then watch, as the crane flapped its crisp wings on its long
journey west, toward the Pacific, toward China, toward the graves of
Mom’s family.
72
FANTASY & SCIENCE FICTION
It had been many years since I last did that with her.
“I don’t know anything about the Chinese calendar,” I said. “Just rest,
Mom. “
“Just keep the box with you and open it once in a while. Just open — ”
She began to cough again.
“It’s okay, Mom.” I stroked her arm awkwardly.
“Haizi, mama ai ni — ” Her cough took over again. An image from
years ago flashed into my memory: Mom saying ai and then putting her
hand over her heart.
“All right, Mom. Stop talking.”
Dad came back, and I said that I needed to get to the airport early
because I didn’t want to miss my flight.
She died when my plane was somewhere over Nevada.
AD AGED RAPIDLY after Mom died. The house
was too big for him and had to be sold. My girlfriend
Susan and I went to help him pack and clean the place.
Susan found the shoebox in the attic. The paper
menagerie, hidden in the uninsulated darkness of the attic for so long, had
become brittle, and the bright wrapping paper patterns had faded.
“I’ve never seen origami like this,” Susan said. “Your Mom was an
amazing artist.”
The paper animals did not move. Perhaps whatever magic had
animated them stopped when Mom died. Or perhaps I had only imagined
that these paper constructions were once alive. The memory of children
could not be trusted.
It was the first weekend in April, two years after Mom’s death. Susan
was out of town on one of her endless trips as a management consultant
and I was home, lazily flipping through the TV channels.
I paused at a documentary about sharks. Suddenly I saw, in my mind,
Mom’s hands as they folded and refolded tinfoil to make a shark for me,
while Laohu and I watched.
A rustle. I looked up and saw that a ball of wrapping paper and torn
tape was on the floor next to the bookshelf. I walked over to pick it up for
the trash.
D
THE PAPER MENAGERIE
73
The ball of paper shifted, unfurled itself, and I saw that it was Laohu,
who I hadn’t thought about in a very long time. “Rawrr-sa.” Mom must
have put him back together after I had given up.
He was smaller than I remembered. Or maybe it was just that back
then my fists were smaller.
Susan had put the paper animals around our apartment as decoration.
She probably left Laohu in a pretty hidden corner because he looked so shabby.
I sat down on the floor, and reached out a finger. Laohu’s tail twitched,
and he pounced playfully. I laughed, stroking his back. Laohu purred
under my hand.
“How’ve you been, old buddy?”
Laohu stopped playing. He got up, jumped with feline grace into my
lap, and proceeded to unfold himself.
In my lap was a square of creased wrapping paper, the plain side up.
It was filled with dense Chinese characters. I had never learned to read
Chinese, but I knew the characters for son, and they were at the top, where
you’d expect them in a letter addressed to you, written in Mom’s awk-
ward, childish handwriting.
I went to the computer to check the Internet. Today was Qingming.
I took the letter with me downtown, where I knew the Chinese tour
buses stopped. I stopped every tourist, asking, “Nin hui du zhongwen
ma?” Can you read Chinese? I hadn’t spoken Chinese in so long that I
wasn’t sure if they understood.
A young woman agreed to help. We sat down on a bench together, and
she read the letter to me aloud. The language that I had tried to forget for
years came back, and I felt the words sinking into me, through my skin,
through my bones, until they squeezed tight around my heart.
Son,
We haven’t talked in a long time. You are so angry when I try to
touch you that I’m afraid. And I think maybe this pain I feel all the
time now is something serious.
So I decided to write to you. I’m going to write in the paper
animals I made for you that you used to like so much.
The animals will stop moving when I stop breathing. But if I write