EARLY SEXUALIZATION:
A GUIDE FOR PARENTS
OF PRETEEN GIRLS
This guide was made possible thanks to the financial contribution of la Direction de la santé publique de Montréal and the collaboration of the
following people, listed in alphabetical order :
Lucie Biron, Charlotte Bissonnette-Reinholtz, Julie Bourbeau, Maryse Boutin (Turbine graphique), Catherine Browne, France-Line Carbonneau, Michele Chappaz, Mickael
Delahaye, Claudette Demers-Godley, Karine Désy-Lalonde, Francine Duquet, Denise Dutil, Susan Dwire, Amber Goldfarb-McMullin, Rachel Gouin, Chantal Hamel, JC Little
and Oisin Little of Little Animation Inc, Lilian Lopez, Raffaella Paolone, Sandrine Ricci, Blanca Vega, the participants at the Day of reflection on early sexualization and all
of the people and groups I have met in conjunction with this project, who have been a vast source of inspiration and motivation.
Thank you.
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A bit of history…
It was my grandson's eighth birthday and as I watched him play with his friends I
noticed a girl, a bit older, who was not joining in the games the others were
playing. When I looked a little closer I realized why she was standing on the side-
lines. She was wearing a very tight mini skirt and was constrained by her clothing.
She was also wearing a short tank top and platform shoes, her hair was coloured
and she was wearing makeup. A “Lolita”, I thought to myself, but such a young
one…..
Weeks past and with the onset of spring, I noticed more and more girls similarly
dressed, parading around in sexy clothes at an age when seduction should not be
part of their lives. It was then that my desire to understand this phenomenon was
born.
Today, almost three years later, that desire has led me to develop a research project
at the YWCA on the early sexualization of girls. One of my priorities has been to
create spaces for exchange and reflection with those who are also concerned
about this growing trend. It is a complex issue, one that needs to be examined from
various angles and approached according to its many facets.
In May 2005, we organized a day of reflection on the subject at UQAM (Université
du Québec à Montréal), whose proceedings are available on our website
www.ydesfemmesmtl.org. With very little publicity this event attracted a large
number of participants, evidence that our concern for girls was shared by many
other people involved in their lives, whether at school, in youth centres or CLSCs.
From the recommendations that emerged from that day of reflection, we set to
work to develop some tools. Here we present the first one; a guide for parents of
preteen girls.
Early Sexualization: a new reality
The early sexualization of girls is a phenomenon occuring as a part of society's pres-
ent and pervasive cllimate of hypersexualization. Little girls in sexy clothing, the
overtly sexualized act of seduction, “fuckfriends”, sexual internet chat, the use of
webcams for sexual exhibition and the consumption of cyberporn represent real
situations in the lives of young people. The extent and effects of this environment
on their development are not fully known and this is a motivating factor for us to
continue working on our project on early sexualization. Further research into the
lives of young people, which is currently being carried out, will help us develop
training and awareness tools, in collaboration with the Service d'aide aux collecti-
vités of UQAM and professors Francine Duquet and Anne Quéniart.
The growth of this atmoshpere of hypersexualization among young people has
been fostered by some important changes in society; such as the glorification of
consumerism, the media's growing erotisization of teenagers and children, the
normalization of pornography's standards of beauty through popular music and
the Net, and the increasing social pressure which encourages girls to have
boyfriends as early as possible.
What is really troubling is that this hypersexualization is appearing among younger
and younger children, promoted by the media, the Internet and the many indus-
tries that profit from this trend. Preteens are specifically targeted by marketplace
interests because they are considered the most important demographic after the
baby boomers. This generation is being encouraged to grow up faster. It is more
connected and informed and has more money, more influence and more personal
EARLY SEXUALIZATION:
A GUIDE FOR PARENTS OF PRETEEN GIRLS
2 YWCA
power than all previous generations. Marketing companies scrutinize the beha-
viour and dress of young people in order to sell a stereotypical image back to them.
Kids see these images and aspire to become the stereotype they are being sold. In
turn, the media reacts by offering new images based on what young people have
recreated from the stereotype, and this circle repeats itself unceasingly.
Commercialization has invaded our social and domestic space with images that
border on pornography. Magazines, commercials, music videos, television pro-
grams, songs and Internet sites are among the agents used to promote and sell sex.
Emphasis is placed on women exposing their bodies, seduction, exhibitionism and
performance. Little girls are seduced by these images and products, and are
encouraged to adopt behaviour borrowed from adult sexuality without having the
corresponding maturity needed to deal with the repercussions that can follow.
Furthermore, the media offers contradictory images: girls must be innocent and yet
seductive, virginal and knowing…
Preteens and teenagers are especially sensitive to outside influences (peer pressure
and media role models). They long for attention and want to be “normal” and fit in
with the crowd. The sexual discourse, however, is so pervasive that certain girls feel
pressured to engage in sexual activity prematurely. Unfortunately, the sexuality
promoted by the media is one of sexual acts without consequences, which glorify
the domination of men and where women are portrayed as sexual objects rather
than equal partners. There is much to be concerned about. In the past ten years,
among other issues, we have seen an increase in the practice of oral sex between
teenagers and preteens and the subsequent spread of oral-genital infection. In
addition, preteen girls are increasingly likely to put themselves on diets and to
suffer from eating disorders, as they try to emulate the media's restrictive standards
of beauty.
Faced with this new reality, parents and other adults responsible for educating chil-
dren (extended family, foster parents), sometimes find themselves confronted by
unforeseen and disturbing situations that challenge their values. These situations
leave them uncertain, embarrassed and not knowing how to respond. Apart from
its commercial aspect, sexuality is at the core of our identities, our relationships, our
growth and well-being. Young girls and boys risk being short-changed if their
perceptions of seduction, loving relationships and sexual relations are tainted by
artificial and limited propositions. It is therefore essential that parents accompany
their children on this voyage of discovery towards self-knowledge and self affirma-
tion, making sure that the essential elements of human relationships- love, intima-
cy and self-respect -are given full measure.
Our Objective
As a response to the questioning and uncertainty of parents and other adults,
we have created this guide to assist them.We are offering various strategies that we
hope will enable them to make thoughtful choices and find their own answers and
ways to communicate them, for the welfare of their children and to promote
family harmony.
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The role of parents and other adults
responsible for the welfare of children
Early sexualization is a social phenomenon, making it incumbent on everyone to
prevent and counter this trend. It is, however, parents and other adults responsible
for children who must take the lead to encourage their children to develop critical
thinking when exposed to the commercialization of sex.
Parents are primarily responsible for the education of children. Consciously or not,
each parent promotes certain values (those that are meaningful to them) to
instruct their children.These values influence parents' speech, gestures and actions
during their child's developing years. They are also reflected in the rules they
establish to shape their child's behaviour. Children will be raised according to these
values and will either accept or challenge them throughout their formative years.
At about 9 or 10 years of age, children begin to detach themselves from their par-
ents and look to their peer group for validation. They are exposed to diverse influ-
ences and subjected to many social pressures, which can have an impact on their
behaviour and the attitudes they have towards parental rules. At this time, parents
can begin to feel that they have less influence over their children and that they are
losing their parental authority. Confronted with this “commercial machine”, as well
as the influence of peer group pressure, they may feel that any action they take will
be ineffective and might be tempted to abdicate their parental roles.
We feel that parents must take a stand regarding the phenomenon of early sexua-
lization. It is necessary for them to reaffirm their personal values to their children
not only by what they say, but more importantly through their daily actions. This
will help to reassure children; giving them clear guidelines and helping them
develop their own critical judgement.
Content
This guide concerns girls, between 8 and 12 years old. Girls and boys of this age are
both faced with the pressure of early sexualisation but are affected in different
ways. In this guide we will explore the specific repercussions that girls must deal
with. We hope that the impact of early sexualization on boys will be the subject of
a future guide.
Seven scenarios have been chosen inspired by real life and linked to early sexual-
ization. As a parent, you may have lived through one or more of these situations.
Please note that the language used to describe or comment on these situations is
in some instances frank and direct, and may be shocking to you. Nevertheless, it is
the language heard in the schoolyard and we encourage you to read the entire
guide to familiarize yourself with the vocabulary.
In each example, a girl expresses a desire or a comment to her mother or father.We
have imagined three possible reactions on the part of the parent, reactions that
you may have had in a similar situation with your daughter.
For each reaction, we present parents with an example of a response and a course
of action to follow. We do not want to impose predetermined and inflexible
responses. We know that every family; each parent and each child are unique and
that the relationship between parent and child has distinctive characteristics as
well. We also think that all parents or adults have the right to take some time for
reflection before responding to a child. A short period of introspection is often nec-
essary to adequately respond to your daughter's questions or comments.
Following each suggested response and course of action, the guide provides some
information about the development and needs of girls. The impact of the parent's
reaction on their daughter is put into perspective as well.
We hope that the information in this guide will be of use to you and your family.
Lilia Goldfarb,
Coordinator of the YWCA's research project on the early sexualization of girls.
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You're worried that your daughter wants to wear sexy
clothes that expose her body. This type of clothing will
give her a sensual look that is not appropriate for a girl
her age. However, saying no may provoke a crisis. How
should you react? Here is a response you might try. “I
can see you really like this top but don't you think it
shows off a little too much of your body? Let's choose
something else. Look at this top with the “lasagne”
straps.What do you think? If you like it, we'll buy it. Next
time we go shopping we can talk about what kind of
clothes you like to wear, before we leave the house.''
This type of response allows you to intervene in differ-
ent ways. First, you acknowledge your daughter's
request. Then you explain the reasons why she should
not wear provocative clothing. She will realize that you
have made your decision with her welfare in mind.
Finally, by proposing further discussion about the
clothes she wants to wear, you have encouraged future
dialogue and communication with your daughter.
Remember that your daughter depends, for the most
part, on your financial resources to satisfy her needs
and desires. Exposed to a multitude of products, she will
try to persuade you to buy everything she wants. It may
be tempting to give in to all her wishes and save her
disappointment and frustration when you say no. By
saying no and imposing some age-appropriate limits,
you will prevent your daughter from prematurely enter-
ing adolescence, even if these restrictions displease her
in the short run. Moreover, expressing your values and
standing firm will have a reassuring effect. Your daugh-
ter needs to learn how to distinguish between what is
good for her and what may do her harm. If she throws a
fit to get what she wants and sees that getting angry
will achieve her goals, she may become agitated in the
absence of clear boundaries. Clear limits will let her
know and respect the values you are trying to convey.
Your daughter wants to wear sexy clothing.
Provocative clothing and fashion…
HOW TO SAY NO
If I say no, is she going to have a tantrum in the store?
A
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You think that your 10-year-old daughter will feel left
out if she doesn't wear the sexy clothes that her group
of friends considers fashionable. On the other hand, you
are not comfortable with the idea of her wearing
unsuitable clothing. Here's a possible response.“Do you
want this top because all the girls are wearing them?
Do you really want to look like all the other girls?
Everyone is entitled to their own personality. You don't
have to dress a certain way to keep your friends. I don't
think this top is appropriate for someone your age
because it reveals too much of your body. Why don't
you invite your friends over for a costume party? I'll lend
you some of my clothes and jewellery and you can all
dress up like sophisticated ladies.
Acknowledging your daughter's desires, and taking the
time to explain that there is an appropriate age and
place to wear certain types of clothing, will demon-
strate that you have considered her wishes and opin-
ions. When you explain that she does not have to do
everything that her friends suggest, you are helping her
develop her ability to think and judge for herself. It is
also possible to suggest a creative alternative that will
encourage the development of another aspect of her
personality. This discussion will teach your daughter
how to handle a disagreement between two people
who have made different choices or who have different
opinions.
Your daughter knows that some clothes attract atten-
tion, but what she doesn't understand is that they may
also provoke desire and stimulate sexual excitement in
certain adults. She wants to be noticed, feel beautiful
and fit in with her group of friends. At ten years of age,
your daughter is conscious of her body, her clothes and
the look she projects. If a leader in her group or one of
her friends wears a particular piece of clothing, she will
be tempted to imitate this choice. She can't wait to
grow up and she will try to convince you to give in to
her demands by telling you that all the kids are wearing
this style of clothing. Being in contact with other par-
ents and discussing common parenting issues will
reveal that all parents hear the same arguments from
their children. Other parents can become important
allies as you search for common ways to respond to
your children's demands.
REACTING TO PEER PRESSURE
If I don't buy it for her, will she feel left out?
B
You like to compliment your daughter's taste in cloth-
ing, but you also want to guide her choices and encour-
age her to develop her self-esteem and unique person-
ality.You could respond as follows:“I agree, the colour of
this top suits you, but the style is not appropriate for
someone your age. Let's find something really special,
something really eye-catching. Do you remember when
your cousin came over last week, you really liked her
top? I saw something similar in the same blue, come
look at it. The other girls will want one just like it and
you could start a trend.”
This response will allow you to praise your daughter in
an age-appropriate way. You have acknowledged what
she wanted and proposed an alternative which could
appeal to her sense of originality.You have also encour-
aged her creativity and helped her realize her special
and unique character.
Wearing sexy clothing generally attracts attention and
compliments, and for some people this attention adds
value to their physical appearance. This type of atten-
tion can lead girls to believe that their value as human
beings depends on the way their body looks. At 10
years of age your daughter is in the process of building
her character and self-confidence. Your praise and
attention should focus primarily on her personal quali-
ties and abilities rather than on her physical appear-
ance.
RESISTING SEXY CLOTHING
She looks cute in it, but is it appropriate for a girl her age?
C
Make-up and fashion magazines…
Your daughter wants to wear make-up.
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Your daughter idolizes a certain pop star whose face is
on the cover of all the teen magazines. Does she admire
her looks only or is she drawn to her talent as a per-
former? “Why do you like this singer so much? I can see
you want to copy her makeup but she's much older
than you. You still have a few years to go before you're
a teenager and I think you're too young to wear make-
up. She's very talented and I can see why you like the
way she sings. You love to sing too, so why don't you
learn one of her songs and create a dance routine with
some of your friends? You could perform the song at a
friend's birthday party.”
Use this occasion to talk to your daughter about her
favourite singer's talent and abilities. Emphasize her
musical talent, her poise and her determination. These
are traits your daughter can aspire to and emulate. You
can encourage her creative talents and expression by
suggesting she create a dance routine that stays clear
of provocative gestures.
Between the ages of 6 and 12, it's normal for your
daughter to be fascinated by pop or film stars. She will
look for an idol or role model that she can look up to.
Many magazines marketed to young girls are full of
advertisements for beauty products and often rely on
stars to promote these products. It's not surprising,
then, that your daughter wants to imitate them by buy-
ing and wearing the makeup products they say they
use. Your daughter does not yet have the maturity to
understand that certain stars are specifically chosen to
attract and influence consumers. Wearing makeup at
this preadolescent stage places a great deal of impor-
tance on physical appearance to the detriment of char-
acter-building. Your intervention is necessary to
encourage your daughter's healthy development and
to praise her aptitudes and her potential.
THE AGE FOR MAKEUP
She's only 10 years old, but maybe it's normal to wear makeup
at a younger age than when I was growing up.
A
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Are you wondering why your daughter wants to wear
makeup? Does she want to play dress-up or does she
want to present a more grown-up image? Here's how
you can respond to your daughter.“Why do you want to
wear lipstick? You and your friends can use makeup
crayons to play with at home, but I don't want you to
wear makeup when you go out of the house, it's not
suitable at your age. I could buy you some lightly-
coloured lip balm but I prefer that you use makeup just
for play.”
By asking your daughter why she wants to wear lipstick,
you are showing her that you recognize her desire and
you feel her opinion is important. You can limit the
wearing of makeup so it stays in the realm of play and
does not become a springboard to an early entry into
adolescence.
It is normal for your daughter to use makeup to dis-
guise herself at special times (Halloween, costume par-
ties). When putting on makeup is no longer a question
of having fun but more an act of seduction it belongs in
the realm of older teens and grownups. If your daugh-
ter begins to wear makeup in public, she is giving her
face a sensual dimension which does not correspond to
her age. Pay attention to the motivating factors behind
your daughter's wants and desires.
PUTTING ON MAKEUP FOR FUN
Maybe she just wants to have fun playing dress-up.
B
You observe your daughter's reactions and behaviour:
she is not respecting the limits you set. Here's a way you
can respond. “I can see that despite our talk, you're
wearing makeup. Why is it so important to you? I don't
approve; you're too young. If you really want to use
makeup, how about learning face painting?”
Whatever your daughter's reaction to the limits you set,
you must continue to reaffirm your position and your
views. You should question your daughter in order to
understand what is motivating her to wear makeup. Is it
to look older or to enhance her appearance? Is it to
seduce or because her group of friends is into makeup?
If you understand her motivation, it will be much easier
to intervene. Offer your daughter an alternative by sug-
gesting that she volunteer to do face painting at her
friends' birthday parties.
It's possible that despite your wishes, your daughter will
wear makeup anyway. Some children are tempted to
disobey to test the limits that have been imposed. Even
if your daughter breaks the rules, don't give in. Reaffirm
your position and restate your values. Children tend to
internalize what is often repeated. They will remember
the values you tried to teach them and eventually
adopt the appropriate behaviour in their daily lives.
MAKEUP AT ANY COST
If I don't buy it for her, will she take my makeup and put it on in secret?
C
Ultra-thin models and body Image…
Your daughter wants to be thin.
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You are on a diet yourself. Should you suggest that your
daughter follow this diet? She might lose some weight.
But is it really a good idea? As your daughter enters
puberty, her body will begin changing and it may be
dangerous to encourage her to eat less. Rather than
opting for a diet, you can teach her healthy eating
habits and encourage her to lead an active lifestyle
which will help her achieve better health and a better
body image. This approach to weight will place it in the
domain of health rather than appearance. “I see that
you're concerned about your weight. I think you're fine
as you are, but if it's really worrying you, we can look at
the foods we eat and make better choices for our
health.We can get some books on the subject or ask the
advice of a nutritionist. What would you think of exer-
cising a little more, you could take a dance class or
karate? I'm also going sign up for something that will
get me moving, we could encourage each other.”
Body image begins to develop in infancy, and as a child
reaches puberty it takes on increasing importance. The
constant talk about weight and dieting can promote
unhealthy eating habits among girls and young
women. Forbidding or limiting consumption of certain
foods as a reward or punishment, or to correspond to a
particular body shape, can lead some girls to eating dis-
orders such as bulimia and anorexia. Body image can
become an overwhelming priority, even an obsession.
Your daughter can begin to distort her own body image
when she compares herself to the advertising indus-
try's presentation of ultra-thin models who give the illu-
sion that their silhouette is the norm. She doesn't know
about the extremely strict diets these models must fol-
low to remain rail thin. She's unaware that their photos
are manipulated by computer programs to correct
“imperfections” and present the “perfect body”.
Bombarded by these images, it is not surprising that
younger and younger girls compare themselves to this
standard of beauty. Many women put themselves on
popular diet regimes that are often expensive and
sometimes dangerous, in the pursuit of a certain image
rather than to achieve a healthier lifestyle or a sense of
well-being.
THE WEIGHT OF DIETING
I think she could lose a few pounds.
Maybe she could go on the diet I'm on.
A
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Your daughter is the victim of teasing. How can you
help her? You can start by listening to her and
empathizing with what she's been through. “I'm glad
that you talked to me about this. It's important to tell
someone and also important to do something to stop
the teasing because no one has the right to make fun of
you or anyone else. If we do nothing, it will give the per-
son who is making fun of you the impression that it's
not serious and they can continue doing it.What do you
want to do? Do you want to talk to them yourself? We
can look at different ways to deal with this together.
Would you like me to talk to your teacher or the school
principal about it?”
When your daughter goes through a difficult situation
such as being rejected by others, it is very important
that she feels she is being listened to and comforted.
The first step in reassuring your daughter is to listen to
her story and not minimize the pain she has endured
because of the teasing. As you discuss ways to react and
intervene, you are giving her the opportunity to express
her opinion and find solutions to this situation or any
other difficult situation that may arise in the future.Your
daughter needs to assert herself in diverse situations to
develop her self-confidence. Encourage her to commu-
nicate and take the initiative. Taking action and making
decisions will put your daughter in charge of her life:
she will not be a passive victim if she can express her
feelings and assert herself.
At six or seven years of age, children begin to express
negative comments about other people. Saying or writ-
ing mean things about someone else is sometimes a
way for children to exert power and to demonstrate sol-
idarity with their group of friends. The child who is
being teased about her appearance is hurting. She is
counting on adults, especially her parents, to help her
deal with this trauma. When your daughter talks to you
about the problems she is confronting, she hopes she
will be listened to, whatever the problem might be. She
will trust you if you take the time to listen to her with
respect. You will help develop her self-esteem if you
allow her to express herself and help her to find solu-
tions.
TEASING AND NAME-CALLING
She's fine as she is. She should ignore the teasing.
B
Your daughter's weight gain can be attributed to the
physical changes associated with puberty. As she
approaches adolescence, her body will begin to
change. How can you help her deal with her concerns
about these inevitable changes? You can respond as
follows:“Are you concerned about your weight? During
puberty, boys' and girls' bodies begin to change and
those changes often involve gaining weight. You'll see
changes in other girls your age. Eating healthy foods
and exercising is the best way to maintain a healthy
weight. Together we can set a realistic goal for you and
with a change in your eating habits, a little more physi-
cal activity and your usual determination, I'm sure you'll
reach it.”
This response will give you an opportunity to talk to
your daughter about the biological, emotional and psy-
chological changes associated with puberty that affect
both boys and girls. It's very possible that your daugh-
ter will become even more preoccupied with her
appearance during this period so take this opportunity
to reassure her and encourage her to lead a more active
lifestyle. Suggest activities you can do as a family as this
will strengthen the bonds you already have. Place the
emphasis on her character and abilities, so that her
attention is not entirely centred on her body and physi-
cal appearance.
The importance attached to appearance and the pres-
sure to be thin can sometimes take on excessive pro-
portions and can very often obscure reality. It is impor-
tant for your daughter to be proud of her changing
body. Having a positive body image is a significant part
of self-esteem but not the only part. Praise your child
for her accomplishments and encourage her talents
and abilities. It will help her develop self-confidence
and build true self-esteem. She needs your help to
develop her personality and learn to assert herself.
PUBERTY AND BODY CHANGE
She's approaching puberty. Maybe her body is starting to change.
C
Seduction and music videos…
Your daughter wants to know if she is attractive
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Your daughter seems preoccupied with her appear-
ance. You want her to think about what attracts two
people to each other. You can respond as follows: “Do
you ever wonder why you think someone is really cute
and your best friend doesn't? People have different
ideas about “who's hot and who's not”. What do you
think boys look for in girls, and what do girls look for in
boys? What do you think about boys who like girls just
for their looks? What would you prefer: a boy who liked
you only for your looks, or a boy who appreciated all
your good qualities? Why are you friends with this girl
or that boy, and why are they friends with you? You
have some great qualities that make you a good friend
and it's these qualities that attract and sustain relation-
ships between people.”
This discussion will allow you to talk about how “beau-
ty” means different things to different people and help
her understand that beauty is a very subjective issue. A
person can be beautiful to some people and unattrac-
tive to others. You can encourage her to think about
why she prefers the company of the people she likes .
She will then be better able to make good choices in
friendship and eventually in love.
With the onset of puberty, children begin to interact in
different ways; groups of boys and groups of girls begin
to disperse as they are attracted to the opposite sex.
Some young people try to prove their popularity and
raise their status among their friends by adopting cer-
tain stereotypical behaviours that are popular within
their group. Others don't rely on the stereotypical qual-
ities of physical beauty or popularity to influence whom
they form relationships with. Instead, they are guided
by personal qualities such as honesty, kindness, gen-
erosity, humour, etc. You can encourage your daughter
to make enlightened choices based on true friendship
and real emotions, rather than the superficial criteria of
beauty and popularity.
MAKING GOOD CHOICES IN LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP
Does she want to look and act like the young women in these videos?
A
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Your daughter asks you if she's sexy. How do you reas-
sure her and at the same time make her understand
that you do not need to be “sexy” and have a “perfect”
body to attract someone? You can respond as follows:“I
think you're beautiful.You have lovely eyes and a beau-
tiful smile, a smile that lights up a room and shows your
great sense of humour. These are qualities that attract
other people.”
It is important that your daughter be aware of her value
as a whole person. You can compliment her on her
appearance, but at the same time you should also
praise her personal qualities, talents and skills. This will
show her that beauty goes beyond the physical and
includes positive character traits.
Being attractive is important at any age. By praising her
looks, her qualities and her talents, you will teach her
how to love herself. A father's non-sexual admiration
and attention can help a girl recognize her own beauty.
A mother has an equally important role to play by mak-
ing her daughter aware of all her attributes.
DO YOU THINK I'M SEXY?
Is she wondering if she's pretty?
B
How does your daughter define beauty? Does she think
that beauty means being sexy? You would like her to
know that beauty is defined by more than physical
appearance and provocative behaviour. You could
respond to her as follows:“What do you think it means
to be beautiful? Do you think you're beautiful? Each
person has their own unique beauty, a little something
beyond the physical that attracts us to each other. The
girls that you see in the music videos are playing roles
based solely on their appearance. They are being paid
to attract boys in a very bold way. It doesn't always hap-
pen that way in real life. A boy could be attracted to you,
and you could be attracted to him based on qualities
other than physical appearance. It could be your per-
sonal qualities and common interests that attract you
to each other.”
The music video can be a pretext for you to talk to your
daughter about beauty. How do you define beauty?
What is her self-image? What image does she want to
project? You have a great opportunity to talk about other
positive personal qualities that attract people to each
other. This will help your daughter discover her many
attractive qualities beyond her physical appearance.
Many of today's music videos, which are watched by a
younger and younger audience, show very sexy young
women using provocative behaviour or submissive atti-
tudes to seduce young men. Between 8 and 12 years of
age, it's difficult to make the distinction between fact
and fiction and your daughter can easily blur the line
between the two and think that she has to be provoca-
tive to attract a boy. She may be tempted to imitate the
behaviour she sees in music videos - behaviours that
conform to mass media stereotypes. You can help her
think about the concept of beauty, her self-image, the
image she wants to project and the difference between
fact and fiction.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FACT AND FICTION
Does she think she has to be seductive to attract boys?
C
Love and respect…
Your daughter wants to know if she will have a "fuck friend"
12 YWCA
You're shocked to hear your daughter use these words.
You have never used that kind of language in front of
her and you wonder if she really understands what the
words mean. You could ask her: “What do you think
“fuck friend”means? Some people are only interested in
the physical pleasure of sexual contact and do not have
feelings of love or affection for their partner. They are
not involved in each other's lives and are not commit-
ted to each other in any way. This type of relationship
can sometimes lead to disrespect and abuse, where one
person takes advantage of the other. It's important to
define our limits and be clear about what we don't like.
There are also sexual relationships based on love. Two
people decide to have sex based on their mutual love
and desire. They are involved in each other's lives, share
their emotions and trust each other. They are sensitive
to their partner's likes and dislikes, and they use their
bodies to express their feelings for one another. Sexual
contact is just one of the many different expressions of
love.”
Your daughter has reached out to you by asking you
questions about sex. She may feel awkward and she
needs reassurance. Make her feel comfortable and
answer all her questions as best as you can, so she can
get the information she needs to make good decisions.
You may prefer to discuss loving sexual relationships
with your daughter rather than give her more informa-
tion about the sexual act. The “fuck friend” relationship
can be summarized as a sexual relationship without
involvement or emotional connection between the
sexual partners. Sometimes this type of relationship is
respectful but it can also be abusive. Stress the impor-
tance of respecting others and of respecting oneself.
Take the time to talk to her about loving relationships
where people make a commitment to each other, and
where the bonds of love strengthen over time.
Your daughter is exposed to sexuality from many
sources. She might repeat what she hears without real-
ly understanding what the words mean and come to
you for clarification.You may be surprised to hear words
that are not part of your vocabulary. Get the informa-
tion you need by asking other parents or teenagers the
meaning of these words.
THE MEANING OF WORDS
A what? Does she understand what that means?
A
YWCA 13
Will your daughter want to imitate her friends one day
and engage in certain sexual practices just because
everyone else is doing it or to fit in? Here's how you can
respond: “Is this the first time that you heard these
words? Some girls and boys say they have “fuck friends”
to be cool and show off, but they don't necessarily have
one. Maybe the 6th grader you overheard in the school-
yard was just pretending. In the future, someone might
suggest that you engage in sexual contact with them.
It's very important not to jump into something you're
not sure of. Please come to me and we'll talk about it
together.”
Invite your daughter to talk to you about her friend-
ships with girls and with boys.You will help her develop
the critical judgement needed to make sense out of all
the sex talk out there, whether it comes from her
friends, magazines or the media. She will then be able
to decide what's right for her and what she should stay
away from. Encourage her to express herself and to
make choices that respect her values. You might also
want to notify school personnel about what the 6th
grader said; they may want to discuss it with the child's
parents.
Your daughter may have heard the term “fuck friend”
from her friends or from magazines aimed at adoles-
cents. Lacking information or critical understanding,
your child may think that having a “fuck friend” is the
thing to do or the path to popularity. If you are not sure
about a magazine's or a favourite TV show's content,
you can read it before you buy it for your daughter or
watch the show with her, to see if it's appropriate for
someone her age. However, you can't supervise all the
conversations your daughter will hear or overhear in
the schoolyard. That is why it's better to encourage her
to develop critical thinking skills, a capacity for judge-
ment and self-esteem.
THE “FUCK FRIEND” TREND
Is it “cool” to have a “fuck friend”?
B
Do you feel powerless to protect your daughter from
outside pressure? How can you influence your daugh-
ter's future choices? Take the initiative and talk to her
about love, sharing your own experiences with her.
“You're wondering if you will have a “fuck friend”. I also
had many questions about sex and love when I was
your age. Do you sometimes wonder how people get
together? I had a few “boyfriends” but they were most-
ly just friends. Then I met a boy I fell in love with. I was
really attracted to him, I thought about him constantly
and we spent a lot of time together.We discovered that
we had the same feelings for each other. We couldn't
stop touching each other and thought about being inti-
mate. We were really in love. If he had been my “fuck
friend” I would have missed all that. One day, you'll find
someone special who feels the same way about you,
and you'll want to share a loving relationship.”
Use this time to talk to your daughter about the various
aspects of loving relationships, such as sharing, intima-
cy and trust.These are the elements that are often miss-
ing when sex is just about physical sensation. Use your
own experiences to share information with your
daughter; it will give your conversations a more person-
al tone that might encourage her to confide in you
about her own experiences and questions.
Your daughter may sometimes indirectly ask you about
sex. She wants to know your opinion. Respond to her
questions seriously, without judging or teasing her.
Show her that she can confide in you and discuss sexu-
ality in complete trust and discretion. Let your daughter
know that you love her. It will encourage her to love
herself, love others and be loved in return, when the
time is right.
TALKING ABOUT LOVE
Will she have one anyway?
C
Sexuality and peer pressure…
Your daughter wants to know what a "blowjob" is
14 YWCA
The question can be shocking! How should you
respond? Calm down before you talk to your daughter.
“Is this the first time you heard this word and where did
you hear it? It's a word that some people use to
describe a sexual act that takes place between two con-
senting people in private. It's a part of sexual behaviour.
But there's a lot more to sexuality than blowjobs.”
Don't jump to conclusions about your daughter's guilt.
She's not responsible for what she's heard. In addition,
your respectful attitude will show her that she can talk
to you about anything, even if the subject is embarrass-
ing and awkward. Before responding, you can take a
few moments to decide what you want to say by asking
her some questions. This will allow you get your
thoughts together so you can give her the appropriate
information and convey a healthy understanding and
respect for sexuality.
There is a trend nowadays for some young people to
take part in oral sex in public places, with multiple part-
ners. It is not surprising that your daughter has heard
the expression “give a blow job” without necessarily
understanding what it means. You can put this sexual
practice in the proper context by presenting it as a sex-
ual act done in private, between two consenting people
who are mature enough to have sexual relations.
WORDS THAT SHOCK
Oh no! What am I going to tell her?
A
YWCA 15
You hesitate to respond. Does your daughter really
need to know what these words mean, at her age?
Maybe it's better to pretend that you didn't hear her or
wait until she is older to have this discussion. You feel
your daughter is too young for a discussion about sex,
but if she's asking you questions it means she's already
talked about it with her friends. She has asked you
because she trusts you and wants your reassurance.You
can respond in this way: “I think you are too young for
us to have this conversation, but I want you to talk
about this with me and not someone else. It's an
expression used to describe a sexual act called oral sex,
where you caress a man's genitalia with your mouth.
This type of caress can also be done to a woman's gen-
italia. You might not understand it now, but when two
mature people have a strong sexual attraction, they
sometimes want to explore different ways to give each
other pleasure, in private. Not everyone enjoys this type
of sex.”
It is always preferable to answer your daughter's ques-
tions. If you avoid them she will look for answers else-
where.The answers that she finds might be inadequate
and incomplete. Moreover, the people your daughter
turns to for information may have their own agenda,
promoting sexual practices that are questionable, risky
and inappropriate for a girl her age. It is therefore
preferable that you overcome your discomfort and
answer her questions. By talking about the emotions
that go along with sexual acts such as oral sex, you can
give your daughter an appropriate and complete
understanding of sexuality
It's normal for your daughter to ask questions and look
for answers about sex. All children do it. They turn to
people they feel close to and trust. Sometimes their
questions can be embarrassing and awkward, but not
responding gives the impression of secrecy and mys-
tery and possibly shame. If you feel uncomfortable
responding, they will find answers elsewhere, from
other children or in magazines or on the Internet.There
is a risk that the information they find will concentrate
on genitalia or performance. Take this golden opportu-
nity to talk to your daughter about the emotional
dimension of sex.
TALKING ABOUT SEX
I can't discuss this with her, she's too young. But who will she ask
if I don't talk to her about it?
B
How can your daughter resist pressure from a partner
or her peers? You can give her the tools to make
informed decisions. Where should you begin?
You can help her recognize that she has choices.
“This sexual act should be done in private between two
consenting people and for the pleasure of both part-
ners. If someone or a group of people ask you to you to
perform this sexual act or any other sexual act that you
feel uncomfortable doing, it is extremely important to
say no clearly.”
Explain to your daughter that this type of sexual act,
just like all sexual acts, should be done to please both
partners, not out of fear that you will lose your partner
if you refuse. Put the emphasis on shared pleasure and
desire.
As your daughter grows up she will always be sur-
rounded by other children. These encounters will
provide her with good and bad experiences and she
will be exposed to both positive and negative influ-
ences. How will she recognize and deal with the nega-
tive influences? By setting limits for your daughter, you
will help her begin to learn the advantages, disadvan-
tages and repercussions of certain acts and behaviours.
Give her opportunities to assert herself and to say no to
situations that arise in her daily life. Of course, this
means that she will sometimes reject your suggestions.
Little by little she will develop her own sense of judge-
ment and the capacity to make good choices - choices
that are right for her and for others.
PLEASURE FOR WHOM?
I hope she's doesn't feel she has to do this!
C
Internet safety…
Your daughter is looking at pornographic images or is “chatting” with strangers.
16 YWCA
Does your daughter have a computer in her bedroom
with Internet access? Besides doing her homework,
what else is she using it for? The Internet brings a world
of uncensored information into your home, 24 hours a
day, seven days a week. About 4.2 million Internet sites
and 372 million web pages have pornographic content
and these sites are often accessed by links to innocent
sounding words, such as “horse”or “Barbie”.The webcam
on your daughter's computer can also be used to send
intimate pictures, and this has become popular among
some young people. Parents must take control of the
computer and supervise its use. Talk to your daughter
about what she's using the computer for. “I know you
spend a lot of time on the computer, but I don't want it
in your bedroom. The whole family can use it if it's in a
common room. We'll work out a schedule that will suit
everybody's needs.”
The Internet offers your daughter unlimited access to
information, whether she's researching a subject for
school or for a leisure activity. It's possible that she can
unintentionally end up on a pornographic site and if
the computer is in her bedroom, it's more difficult for
you to monitor what she's looking at. When the com-
puter is in a common space and time limits are set for
surfing the Net, there is less risk that your daughter will
be confronted with pornographic images.
There are different ways to better supervise your fami-
ly's computer and Internet use. You can establish clear
guidelines by installing a password and placing the
computer connected to the Internet in a common area.
Make sure that the other computers in your home are
not connected to the Internet. This change may dis-
please your daughter. Justify it by explaining that the
computer belongs to all family members and that a
schedule for its use will be set according to the needs of
each member of the family. The new schedule will
encourage your daughter to get involved in other activ-
ities. In addition, if you have a web camera, its use needs
to be well supervised. It is also possible to purchase
software which will block almost all access to certain
Internet sites. Although this kind of software is not
100% effective, it will prevent access to many inappro-
priate websites.
INTERNET IN THE BEDROOM
She's still on the computer! She's up late, but at least she's studying.
A
YWCA 17
How should you react if you discover your daughter
looking at a pornographic website? What will you say to
her if she admits to having consulted one? Here's how
you can respond. “I'm glad you told me. I would prefer
that you didn't see these images. It's too bad there are
so many sites like this that give a false view of sexuality.
If you have questions about sex, I can suggest some
books or websites that are more appropriate for a girl
your age and that give accurate information.”
If you catch your daughter on a pornographic website
or she tells you about it herself, don't overreact; stay
calm.This is an opportunity for you to explain the differ-
ence between pornography and sexuality. Now your
daughter will have the information she needs to make
the distinction between fact and fiction and correct any
false ideas she has about sexuality. If you don't respond,
your daughter could believe that these pornographic
images are a true representation of sexual relations. She
could also be tempted to look for other pornographic
sites to find out more. If your daughter tells you about
what she has seen, use this opportunity to praise her for
coming to you to talk about it. Remember that parents
are still the first source of information for children with
questions about sex.
Between the ages of 8 and 12, your daughter will con-
tinue to have questions about conception, childbirth
and adult sexuality. If she stumbles on these types of
images, she may be repelled by them or they may awak-
en her curiosity. At the very least, these images will give
her a false impression of sexuality. She might think that
this is the behaviour that she will be expected to per-
form or that is awaiting her when she finds a partner.
A FALSE REPRESENTATION OF SEXUALITY
If she clicks on a pornographic site, what should I do?
B
Do you remember the hours you spent talking to your
friends on the telephone? “Chatting” online is the way
young people stay in touch with each other today.Your
daughter is no exception - she loves chatting with her
friends online. Why is she so absorbed in this activity?
Who is she really communicating with? Show your
interest in what she is doing and ask her questions:
“Who are you chatting with? How old are they? What
would you do if the conversation took a direction that
made you feel uncomfortable? I would prefer you to
“chat” only with your friends, but if you make a new
friend online I would like you to let me know.
Sometimes adults pretend that they're your age so they
can communicate with you. What they talk about may
not be appropriate for someone your age. I would pre-
fer that you send e-mails only to your friends. If you real-
ly enjoy writing, how about starting a daily journal or
writing a short story?”
It's worrying to think that some predatory adults are
using the Internet to contact children. You have a right
to know who your daughter is corresponding with and
to warn her of the dangers of chatting with strangers.
By talking about the risks, you can help her develop crit-
ical thinking skills and prepare her to deal with unpleas-
ant or dangerous situations. Suggest other ways she
can express her creativity if she has a genuine interest
in writing.
Your daughter loves to chat online. She can spend
hours chatting with her friends. It is well known, howev-
er, that pedophiles use the Internet to solicit children. It
is estimated that 89% of sexual solicitation of children is
done in chat rooms.These adults can quickly steer inno-
cent conversations towards sexual matters, using terms
that are inappropriate for children, and explaining them
in a way that suits their purposes. Be vigilant, as the goal
of some of these predators is to meet your daughter in
person.
INTERNET CHAT
She's always in chat rooms. Who is she talking to?
C
© YWCA 2006